by Rose Elder
I was the best sleeper for most of my life. All my childhood, teenage years, and in my twenties. Nothing would wake me up. I would close my eyes and before my head was on the pillow I was out! Little did I know what a blessing that was. The “Glorious Days.”
Fast forward 5 years into motherhood. Those days are over.
Right about when Nicholas was diagnosed with his allergies it was time to celebrate Alexander’s 3rd birthday. During his birthday party I was feeling overwhelmed trying to be a good host. Mid-party Alexander grabbed a remote control car that belonged to our neighbors, that was in the yard. The antenna of the car was broken and Alexander, as many 3-year-olds do, decided to put it in his mouth. Well, the antenna looked like a fishing hook, you can imagine what happened next. The hook part got stuck in his cheek like a hook on a fish, and his first instinct was to start pulling on it! I still remember clearly when I got up and ran as fast as I could to stop him. Long story short, he just bled for a few minutes and that was that. But for some reason it was a life-changing moment for me, that was the first night of many others that I started suffering from anxiety, insomnia, and depression. Something about that moment clicked inside me and it has been a long road to get back to who I was before that moment.
New mothers and overwhelmed mothers suffer from anxiety and depression more than we know. I started talking to my friends to see if they were feeling the same way I was (I am an open book), and most mothers of two and three children were on the same boat. We all had sleeping issues and some kind of anxiety or depression. We talked about how overwhelming is to have little kids because they really depend on us. Needing to be cared for, changed, fed and entertained. All of it while trying to pick up the house, do laundry and be a wife too.
We also lost our individuality when we became mothers. There is no more time alone and privacy when you have little children. I go to the bathroom and my kids follow me. I shower with an audience of two impatient little boys pressuring me to get out of the shower to play with them. When I decide to go to yoga on a Saturday morning, the boys cry as I drive away. Part of me wants to cry with them filled with guilt, and the other side of me wants to smile because I am going to have “me” time for an hour.
I was losing confidence in working through this anxiety on my own so I reached out for help. My OBGYN prescribed me an antidepressant (over e-mail, I might add), but Adam begged me not to take them. There is little information on the side effects of using antidepressants, and what’s out there scared me. Adam also said that I shouldn’t mess with anything that affected my brain. His argument seemed solid so I didn’t take them. But I was still anxious and sad, and it started taking me up to 5 hours to fall asleep.
My primary care physician also disagreed about me taking antidepressants. She told me that I was probably suffering from postpartum depression and that it could last up to two years. She recommended I do yoga, mediate, eat healthy and avoid any electronics an hour before bed. That helped a little bit.
But for some reason I was getting really worried about dying, or Adam dying. How either of us would manage raising the boys alone. How the loss of a parent would affect them. Dark thoughts kept passing through my mind. It was hard. It’s not like I was sad all the time. Most of the time I was “ok”. But when the sun started setting I would feel helpless, anxious and sad. Worried if I was going to be able to sleep that night. Wondering how long it would take me to fall asleep.
It is so overwhelming to be a mother of little kids with no family around. I am happy and I adore them, but it is overwhelming. It’s a very intense “job”. “Mommy this! Mommy that!” Every second of every day “mommy!”
I was on over-the-counter sleeping pills for a year. That helped a lot, but I was still sad at times. Then I read that sleeping pills could cause serious side effects so I stopped cold turkey. The sleeping pills also gave me big bags under my eyes.
When Nicholas turned two I was still sad. A friend told me her doctor recommended an amino acid called L-Theanine and that it has helped her a lot with her sadness. I went to Sprouts immediately to get it after reading amazing reviews online. I asked the guy at the pharmacy section if he knew where I could find it, and he said “Oh, the happy pill! Of course.” After taking it for a few days my sadness started fading away. Now it’s been 4 months and I don’t feel sad anymore, just the “normal” amount some times. I then recommended it to another friend that was feeling the same way and she also has had great results. I’m not telling you to go and buy it, I’m not a doctor, and not sure about any secondary effects, but so far I’ve had none and my doctor approves. Being an amino acid it felt safe to me.
I have been going to an amazing acupuncturist since I was pregnant with Alexander, and she has recommended several of the supplements I need to balance my hormones, help with sleep, and to stay healthy. No time to be sick when you are a mommy!
Right now I sleep well at night and I rarely feel sad.
It has been a constant fight. I eat as healthy as I can. I am gluten-free and dairy-free and have very few sweets. 90% of the food I buy is organic and I try not to eat processed foods. I walk every day and run three times a week. I also try to go to hot yoga when I’m in the mood. I’m starting to give myself more “me” time. I also work with a therapist to try and get to the root of my anxiety, and that has also been very revealing and eye opening.
Adam and I decided we are happy and fulfilled as parents of two kids. Now that Nicholas is getting more independent I’m starting to feel human again. I’m not only a “mommy” anymore. I am rediscovering myself. I have to admit that knowing I won’t go through another hard pregnancy is very liberating in a way. Some women are lucky and have good pregnancies, but mine are pretty much the opposite. So glad those days are over.
As mommies we have to take care of ourselves. If we are overwhelmed, anxious and depressed, we can’t be our best selves. We are going to snap at our husband and at our kids. We all deserve better.
We need to get support from a loved one to take over so we can have an hour to ourselves, if possible, daily. We need to find a good babysitter to start having date nights with our partners again. We have to find help from a professional when needed. We don’t have to suffer in silence.
If you are riding on that same boat now, I feel you. I wanted to write this post for you. It is a reality a lot of us moms go through. You are not alone.
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